can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
