I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
