Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
