I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
