Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
