The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
