We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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