If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
