shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
