im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize