What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
