I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
