Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
