My friends, they love my intelligence
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
