Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize