I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize