Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
