i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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