HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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