dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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