I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
