I can't watch pbs sober anymore
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
