I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
