dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
