Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
