Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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