just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
