The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
