Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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