omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
