in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
