Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
