yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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