u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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