So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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