if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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