while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
