hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
