That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
