Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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