I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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