So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I need to stop coming to work sober
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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