she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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