i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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