i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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