I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
