Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
