Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
