We won't sleep together?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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