Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize