I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My cat gives me a boner
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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