I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
two words: eviction party
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
