I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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