I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
