It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
