toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need to calm my uterus...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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