I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
