very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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